Via Tacky Weddings via Submit Page

Yikes. Is this like an unintentional Gulf oil spill metaphor? The dolphins weren’t even made to look like they’re smiling. Instead they look like they just ate some bad sushi and took in a screening of The Cove. What kind of marine life enthusiast serves this at their wedding? I feel sad and hunger-free.

Related: More Unappetizing Wedding Cakes

Via CakeWrecks

Every single detail of this cake has me clutching my binky in the corner while rocking back and forth. Does the message mean, “You’re Getting Married” or “You’re Dying Today”?! Kind of a toss-up, really.

Whose hand is that supposed to be, and who is the cake supposed to be from? God? Satan? I don’t think I’d even eat it for fear of several years of bad luck. Something about this thing looks haunted.

Submitted by: dunno source via Submit Page

His interest in using his ceremonial Marines’ sword to cut the cake perfectly matched her interest in commissioning the tallest and most expensive cake imaginable. Apparently Amanda Peet here is a bridezilla of mammoth proportions. How do you even request a slice off that thing? “I’d like a corner piece on the Northeast side of the 5th tier!” 

Sometimes you have to spring for a wedding cake baker who has BOTH eyes.

Ever wondered what a hideous wedding cake would look like if it had been crocheted?

Via Offbeat Bride

Yeah, me neither. But now you know.

Submitted by: dunno source via Submit Page

That is one ghettofied wedding cake. I like how even the champagne flutes are submissive to the crazyass Bridezilla Cake Dominatrix. “You will lay down and show me some goddamn respect, you filthy stemmed glassware!!!”

You’re a hungry groom and it’s finally time for the wedding toasts. Do you:

A) Stuff your face with cake, or

B) Stuff your face with your new wife’s boobs

Submitted by: dunno source via Submit Page

How about C) Do both ?! Just get a custom-made cake to satisfy both cravings:

Submitted by: dunno source via Submit Page

Mmmm, bride boobs. I wonder if the measurements are exact? What’s up with those nipples? Looks like guests are going to need big glasses of milk to go with that cake. 

Nothing says classy like a figurine of the bride jumping the groom’s bones on the cake.

Submitted by: dunno source via Submit Page

Way to give your Grandma a visual of what’s to come after the reception. Although when compared to something much dirtier, this humping topper almost seems appropriate.

As opposed to this one…

Submitted by: dunno source via Submit Page

Something about this doesn’t scream ‘romance’ to me. Unless the couple met as undercover FBI agents, which would actually be awesome.

The thing about New Jersey the UK (see below) is, the 80s never died.

Submitted By: Anon

They probably had their first dance set to something off of Slippery When Wet. It must have been hard to find a cake phallic tall enough to steer the attention away from the bride’s monstrous fake breasts, but I think they did it.

Congrats, Pretty Pretty Princess and Tom Hanks in Big! You guys look very happy together.

Update: What’s more ridiculous – the fact that I didn’t know who this couple was or the fact that I’ve now spent 15 minutes “researching” them? Jordan and Peter Andre are the famed ‘reality celebrity’ couple from the UK who are no longer together. Jordan rode into her ceremony in a huge glass carriage. So much crucial information…so little time.