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Five Things You Need To Be a Proper Russian Bride:

- a corset
- scary fingernails
- platform stiletto f**k-me heels (preferably a half-size too small)
- major attitude
- dreams of becoming a nuclear physicist. This chick looks smart.

Related: The Claw AKA The Craziest Dress Boobage EVAR

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I want these guys to be the bride and groom’s fathers. ‘Cause that’s what time it is. BODYCHECK TIME. You want to talk to the bride, maybe tell her she looks beautiful? You’re gonna have to go through her security detail. Submit your statement of congratulations, it shall be reviewed, and if approved you’ll get a chance to tell her yourself. Simple. 

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I have no idea what’s happening in this picture, but all 3 parties look pretty satisfied so it can’t be too bad. Shit happens when your wedding is sponsored by Stolichnaya and your long lost uncle shows up out of nowhere. 

Related: Keep It Together, Everyone

Whether you’re the groom, the best man, or simply “security,” 90s style tracksuits are teh hotness in stylish Eastern Bloc wedding attire. Cousin Dimitri knows about it:

In Soviet Russia, track pants wear you. Then there’s this guy:

Black and white keeps it classy…

Head-to-toe, he’s as serious about his love for Adidas as he is his love for the bride.

Aww, such a romantic! Who is this Pelé? He’s gotta be sponsored by Adidas, unless he just hit an outlet mall on the way to his wedding. Can anyone put a name to this suited-up groom? For now, I shall refer to him as Nikolai Tracksuitskovich. 

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